Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
