Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
