I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
