Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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