Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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