I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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