I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The best revenge is premature balding
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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