just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
