Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
