dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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