So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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