I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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