I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
not ubering you a puppy
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