Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
