Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
