You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
