I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
