dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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