I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
