Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
