and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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