That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
