Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
