I must be too annoying 4 u.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
