Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
