Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
