you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
