It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
