God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
