Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
