So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
