this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
