don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
