When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
