she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
