I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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