His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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