sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
