The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
