You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
