Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
