Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
