New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
