Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
