Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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