Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
