omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
