I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
