I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
