Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
